One way or the other, every person has a period
of disappointment: in such time, there ought to be people that we can lean on –
for consolation, and often, these people tend to be our family members, partners,
friends, and colleagues.
The situation is that of give and take: when
you are disappointed people console you, and when any one (that is close to
you) is also disappointed, you would try consoling the person.
Yet, you must avoid being emotionally attached
to the people that you are consoling – for some reasons.
According to an article, Emotional support in a crisis, by the British
Red Cross, “Being with someone who is experiencing acute emotional upset happens to
most people at some time. A common feeling is wanting to help... but not being
sure what to do for the best.Being
awkward and anxious around someone who is distressed doesn't help anyone
much”...
The consolation aspect
Somebody
that is disappointed is emotionally destabilised. To this, the British
Red Cross says, “Some
people think that a comforting cuddle will let someone know that you care, that
you appreciate what they are going through and that you are there to help.
Unfortunately, it is not that straightforward. You might make someone feel
physically awkward, restricted in moving around. They might be constrained from
expressing themselves or even in thinking properly. In other words, you are
bringing added discomfort. A touch of the arm might show someone you care. But
don't go further than that unless someone has indicated they would like it. Luckily,
there are better ways to show someone that they are not alone.”
So you see that being emotional does
not help while trying to console a disappointed person?
In the
case of somebody – having trouble in marriage or relationship and you are
offering a cuddle consolation: you are only telling such to abandon his or her
marriage/relationship and come for you.
What to do to avoid being emotional
You
are to first present the word of God in prayer, and ensure that you are both
not alone behind closed door.
You should start with the word of God, because it is a powerful tool to
break every barrier. “For the word of
God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even
to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a
discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. And there is no creature
hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to
whom we must give account. (Heb 4:12-13, NKJV).
However, there are professional steps to follow but after these steps,
your words of encouragement should find root in the word of God.
The steps are:
1.Carry out a quick but thoughtful
assessment of the situation.
2.Notice who else is around. Are they
likely to be helpful, or otherwise?
3.Then, crucially, check yourself. Think
about what shape you are in. How have you been affected by the situation? The
aim is to be calm. If you are calm, you can help others. If you aren't, you
probably can't, at the moment.
4.If you are going to help, introduce
yourself. Say your name, your position, if relevant, and what your intentions
are.
5.Then calmly say what you are going to do.
This might be as simple as, I’m going to sit next to you and we can talk about
the best way to help.
6.You can then say what you notice – which is why
it is important to do the observation above first. You might say that that
person seems very upset, or has fallen, or seems to be bleeding.
7.Ask how you can help.
8.Ask what has happened, how they feel,
what they need.
9.Bear in mind that you may not be able to make the problem go
away. What the person is dealing with might be very upsetting. What they want
to put things right might be impossible.
10.You might be seen as a threat, so keep at a reasonable distance.
Don’t crowd their space but show that you want to help.
We would better look at some things
that you should avoid too, when consoling a person.
The British Red Cross says
that, one should observe the following:
1.Don't try to jolly people up and get
them to look at the funny side. They might do that later, but your task is to
respect how they're feeling now and help them deal with it, not suppress it.
2.Don't say things like, "I know
just how you are feeling, just the same happened to me". This isn't
empathy, it is more like boasting. It is very alienating and irritating. Can
you imagine anyone thinking, "Oh, now I feel a lot better, knowing that
someone else was distressed and upset in the past"? It is best avoided.
3.Don't hurry the next action. Always
remember that a person who is upset is vulnerable and probably not in a state
for successful decision-making.
One way or the other, every person has a period
of disappointment: in such time, there ought to be people that we can lean on –
for consolation, and often, these people tend to be our family members, partners,
friends, and colleagues.